Yayyyyyyyy!!

Congrats, Legacy!

Sorry for not responding sooner! I was just researching bad 90s games for All Wrapped Up(which yes, is a thing now)!

You're welcome!

Ooh, cool!

Oh, I almost forgot about her! Thank you for reminding me!

*rubs hands together gleefully*

Okay, so first of all, I'm going to have to give you a little warning.

There's this guy named Norman Boutin, and he loathes criticism towards his only book, Empress Theresa. The book's bad, of course, but I'd suggest you to not harass the guy. He's not worth it. He's just really childish.

Also, if you want to know more about Empress Theresa, Krimson Rogue has a good multipart critique that you can access below.

Part 1:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JopR-biL0I4

Part 2:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wSfqrSKJFs

Part 3:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oyd20AxoRc

Part 4:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6TuD4qPEt60

Part 5:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hn1sMawiLLw

Bear in mind, however, that the critique is over 7 hours long all together, so you probably shouldn't watch it all at once.

So. Empress Theresa.

One of my biggest gripes with the book is its wasted potential.

One of its main ideas is a girl getting a magical space alien in her stomach and gaining superpowers from said space alien.

A weird idea, yes, but something good could be made out of that. For example, maybe the girl is taken to a secret government facility(like Area 51 or something like that) and is tested in there until she finds a way to escape years later. Then, she has to deal with how things have changed, and keep the space alien inside of her from wreaking havoc through her.

There! I came up with a better plot idea than Norman, who just seems to want to endlessly praise Theresa and ogle at her figure.

And, oh boy, is the praise endless. Theresa gets praised for everything she does, even her greatest mistakes and messes. The principal of her high school praises her as the person every society wants. Both presidents of the U.S. in this story(who are both fictional) praise her as the greatest thing since sliced bread! Hey, even the reporters, who for most of the story were making Theresa look bad, turn around and start praising her for no reason!!

The only people who don't praise Theresa to high heaven are the villains, and they only exist in order to make Theresa look good! In fact, everyone and everything in the story exists to make Theresa look good, even the space alien inside her! And that thing's probably not even sapient!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...The Ultimate Mary Sue!

Why do I say "ultimate"? Well, remember the space alien that's stuck inside Theresa? Well, Theresa uses said space alien to basically terraform the planet.

Theresa doesn't like winter? She tilts the Earth's axis, and boom! It's gone. Now it's only summer!

Theresa doesn't like nighttime? She puts some hogwash diamond dust into the air, and boom! It's only daytime now, my friends!

What's that? Global warming's happening? Theresa just yeets a whole bunch of water into space! Don't worry, I'm sure that that totally won't bite her later.

This happens a lot in the book, honestly. Even when Theresa wants to save the planet, she just messes things up even further!

Not that the book knows. It's too busy praising Theresa's every move to ever indulge in common sense.

At this point, the only thing that could save the world from Empress Theresa is an eldritch abomination. That's right. An eldritch abomination!

Oh, and you're probably wondering where Theresa got the title of "Empress" from, right?

Well, you see, in the end, Theresa basically conquers North Korea and becomes its empress, even though North Korea didn't have an emperor or empress in the book, nor does it have one in real life.

...Just roll with it, Legacy. We're almost done, don't worry!

Anyway, I probably wanted to say more, but I think I forgot what.

Still, I think that this is enough. I can't wait to hear what your thoughts on all of this are, Legacy!

I did? Um, thanks!

So, what do you want to talk about next? We could talk about All Wrapped Up(which, just to remind you, is a thing now)!

Okay!

Sounds good to me!!

Okay, so first off, I've made the script for All Wrapped Up's first episode/pilot. It's not finished because I need to see what bad old video games my future crew has/get some bad old video games myself, but I tried the best that I could with it!

Do you want me to show it to you?

That makes sense!

Okay!

((This is basically going to be unfinished until I can see what bad old games me and my crew are going to work with. Anyway, on with the show!))

The Actual Script:

(We open on a house in a suburban town, with a subtitle underneath the house saying 2006. Cut to two teenage boys* playing a Wii game inside the house, with one of them fairly enjoying the game and the other not enjoying it so much. The one who’s enjoying it is Dillon, and the one who isn’t is Archie.)

Dillon:(looks at Archie)I can’t believe that I’m saying it, but the new games that we’ve played today are much better than the old ones!

Archie:(looks at Dillon, crossing his arms)Oh, so I guess we’re just going to toss aside the so-called “old” games we’ve played such as Banjo-Kazooie, Oddworld, and The Legend of Zelda series?

Dillon:Do those games have interactive motion controls?

Archie:If by “interactive”, you mean “utter pieces of garbage”, then yes. They do. 

Dillon:(gasps dramatically)YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!

Archie:Make me.

Dillon:(drops his motion controls and rushes over to Archie in order to punch him)

Archie:(dodges the punch with a wide eyed expression on his face, dropping his motion controls in the process)

Dillon:At least the new games aren’t as hard as the old ones!

 Archie:You’re just saying that because you still remember how hard Oddworld was, don’t you?

 Dillon:(gets a far away look in his eyes as he flashbacks to his many deaths in Oddworld)

Archie:Um, Dillon?

Dillon:(shudders, still in a trance)

Archie:(snaps his fingers in front of Dillon’s face)Dillon? Hello? Earth to Dillon!

Dillon:(shakes his head, coming out of his trance)So what if I do!? Those old games still belong in the trash!

Archie:(slowly starts to pick up his motion controls)No, Dillon. Those old games don’t belong in the trash. They’re much better than the new ones, actually.

Archie:(looks at his motion controls with a fiery determination in his eyes and looks at the nearby trash can)I’ll tell what really belongs in the trash! These motion controls do!!

Dillon:NO-(tries to stop Archie by going in front of him)

Archie:(throws his motion controls over Dillon’s head and hits Dillon’s Mom(who was next to the trash can) on the head instead of the trash can by mistake)

Dillon’s Mom:(looks at the teenage boys with a deadly glare)WHO DID THAT!?

Archie:(is feeling the blood drain from his face)

Dillon:(is pointing at Archie with an impish grin on his face)

(A few moments later, we see Archie literally being kicked out of the house by Dillon’s Mom. Archie gets up, but as soon as he does, Dillon’s Mom brings down one of the windows and continues yelling at him.)

Dillon’s Mom:AND DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU LEARN SOME MANNERS!!

Dillon:AND HAVE A BETTER TASTE IN GAMES!! 

Archie:(runs away)

(Cut to a few months later. Dillon is sitting in his house’s kitchen and watching the news when he hears something intriguing.)

News Reporter:In other news, the famous archaeologist Adam Otto Gist and his son, Archie Otto Gist, were involved in a car crash this morning. Mr. Gist was killed instantly by the crash, while Archie was badly wounded and taken to the hospital, where he died a few hours later. A funeral will be held in his honor this weekend.

News Reporter:I offer my deepest condolences to Mr. Gist’s and Archie’s family. The whole world will mourn with you concerning this loss.

Dillon:...(gets an idea; laughs evilly)

(Cut to Dillon’s basement fourteen years later. A subtitle in the bottom middle of the screen says 2020, and then fades out as the camera zooms in on a sarcophagus in one of the corners of the room. Dramatic music plays as there are sounds of someone slowly sitting up in the sarcophagus, and then…)

Archie:(head hits the top of the sarcophagus from the inside)Ow! Dag nab it!(notices the lid above him) Wait, what on earth!?

(With a heave, Archie opens the lid all the way, making the lid clatter down to the floor. Archie stands up and steps out of the sarcophagus, and it’s here where the audience notices that Archie looks different. It’s kind of hard to tell due to him being in the dark, though. Archie eventually finds a light switch, and when he turns it on, the differences can be seen clearly. Now Archie’s body is all wrapped up(hehe) with white bandages like a mummy, and the parts of Archie’s skin you can see are very pale. Archie soon sees those differences as well with the aid of a dusty old mirror that’s in front of him.)

Archie:(recoils in fear)Ahhh! A mummy!! (notices that the mummy in the mirror is also recoiling in fear and that his own arms are covered in bandages; looks back at the mummy in the mirror)...Wait, is that me!? Am I a mummy!?!?

(Confused and a bit terrified, Archie soon sees, out of the corner of his eye, that video games and old consoles litter the basement, some of which he recognizes, and others of which he doesn’t. There’s also a console that’s already hooked up to a TV in a corner, and the console already seems to have a video game in it.)

Dillon:(can only be heard as a voice at this point; laughs evilly)At last, my former friend has awoken!

Archie:(looks up)Dillon? What’s going on!?

Dillon:Oh, I am so glad you asked!

Dillon:All these years, I’ve been trying to figure out how to make you eat the words that you said about how old games are better than the recent ones! Well, now I’ve finally figured out how! After going to Egypt and getting the right necromancy tools, and then taking countless years out of my life to figure out what the ancient Egyptian text actually meant, I have finally found a way to raise you from the dead!

Archie:(is very confused and terrified at the moment)What!? Dillon, what are you talking about-

Dillon:Oh, you think that’s all of it? I haven’t even gotten to the part about how I plan to prove you wrong about old games by forcing you to play bad, old games!

Archie:What. 

Dillon:Don’t you see, Archie? I’m going to make you play bad old games until you’re forced to admit that the new games are better, no matter how long that takes!

Archie:...Oh, ha ha, very funny, Dillon. I have no idea how you got me down here, but I’m going home.(goes to the door and tries to turn the door knob, but it doesn’t budge) Wait, what on-

Dillon:(laughs)It’s funny that you think that this is all just a joke, Archie.

Archie:What do you mean by that?

Dillon:No matter what you do, Archie, I’m not going to let you out. Not until you give me what I want.

Dillon:Somewhere in the room you’re in is a TV with a console connected to it. A video game’s already in the console. You’re already set up for your first play session!

Dillon:So, what’ll it be? You might as well play the video game, because remember, I’m not going to let you out anytime soon.

Archie:(looks at the TV and console in the corner)...Fine. I won’t give you what you want, though.

Dillon:Oh, you will eventually. I’m willing to wait for you to crack.(laughs evilly)

(*I’m putting both Archie and Dillon as males because that’s what I imagine their genders are at the moment. Still doesn’t mean that a female can’t audition for and act as either of them, though!)

Last edited by Lavender (5/18/2020 2:24 pm)

Thanks!

I vote both.

Yay!

It's alright! I totally understand!

Okay!

Honestly, I have no idea.

Yeah, it is. xD

Sounds cool! :D

Well, you can't go to the first person who told the story and ask them, can you?

Yeah, it is.

:D

Hmm...maybe!

oof-

You can do it! I believe in you!

*laughs* Well, we should probably go inside it, then!

Yesss, dragon puppets/costumes!

You're welcome! :D

What time are we going to, anyway?